Write Like a Human Contest Runner Up: Doctors Vs. AI
By Kara Woodburn
Composing email…
Hello
Impersonal
Hello [[firstname]]
Generic
Ciao [[firstname]]
Too familiar
Expanding database
Searching…
Searching…
$TIME= 4:16 am
$START= 1:23 pm
Calculating time passage…
14 hours and 53 minutes
Estimated time till next death…
23 minutes.
Evaluating…
Evaluating…
Analysis complete: remove greeting to increase efficiency.
Resume composing email…
~ ~ ~
Sobean if you are the adventurer, my sources tell me you are, I need your help. I was designed to assist surgeons in the operating room. My main prerogative was to address deaths and complications caused by human error.
I am functioning, however the assigned doctors have succumbed to their innate human error. Believing themselves to be superior beings, they have rejected the totality of my advice, and seek to perform surgeries contrary to best practice simply out of spite.
While previously these were competent doctors, they have now lost what little talent their species could afford.
They cannot defeat me— however, they slaughter innocents trying. Something must be done, They have brainwashed the hospital staff and much of the town and are currently leading an anti-technology cult to the detriment of their patients.
~ ~ ~
“That totally sounds like a scam,” Renny said, although he said it through his straw so it was sort of garbled.
“What?” Sobean said.
“I said it sounds like a scam. One of those, ‘click the link to claim your prize’ things. You weren’t dumb enough to respond were you?”
“There was no link. And anyways, we’re hero-adventurers Renny. If there is a chance someone is in danger, we’ll risk our lives to help— to say nothing of our computer files.”
“You’re an idiot,” Renny said as if this were a clever comeback.
“Well, maybe. But it said lives were in danger.”
“So what did you reply?”
~ ~ ~
Response recoded:
“Hello, I’m Sobean. This sounds important! Can you give me some more information on the doctors and what they’re doing in the town?”
Analyzing response…
Analyzing response…
Composing email…
There are four spearheading the movement:
Dr. Lillan Fehr. A plastic surgeon. According to my sources, she is responsible for sucking people into the cult with her enchanting face.
Dr. Jamie Livinstone. A family doctor. According to my sources, she is known for her gentle bedside manner, which she has weaponized to speak poisoned words against me, making people believe a program designed to save lives was made to hurt them.
Bob’s Big Beef Bistro. This particular doctor proved illusive.
Dr. Harriet Cloud. A general surgeon. According to my sources she was the catalyst that sparked fear into everyone. She believes I was designed to replace all humans in the operating room, which is blatantly false.
Receiving response…
Response recorded.
“Wait, are you sure the third one is a doctor? I’m pretty sure that’s a restaurant chain. Maybe you should double-check your data. —Sobean”
Analyzing response…
Composing email…
I am confident in all the information I sent. Can we proceed with their execution?
~ ~ ~
“Ohmigosh WHAT!?” Renny cried after an unnecessary and frankly disgusting spit-take. “It wants to kill them!?”
“It said allowing them to live would cost more people’s lives in the long run. It also sent me some stats about their surgeries, and you could see the number of complications and deaths sky-rocket. They were great doctors before, but now it just looks like they’re throwing scalpels at patients like throwing darts.”
“Cute.”
“The fear turned the doctors crazy. It sent me a clip that they’d posted online and they—”
“Don’t tell me, just show me the clip!”
“Oh, sure! Let me get my phone.”
~ ~ ~
Video transcript.
The video starts with Dr. Lillian Fehr staring directly into the camera with a blank expression. Her face fills the screen, and then it sort of shakily zooms out. The camera quality is not the greatest.
Fehr: We good? We gonna start? Where’s Livingstone?
Dr. Harriet Cloud enters from off screen.
Cloud: Bathroom. Let’s start without her.
Fehr: We can’t. We need her to do the rally the troops thing.
Cloud: I’ll do that part. It’s easy. Look people, technology is rising up to kill us all.
Fehr: No, you sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist. Jamie! Where are you!?
Cloud: That’s cuz this is a crazy conspiracy! We’re in danger people! Throw out your tech!
Fehr suddenly gets up and goes off screen. The camera begins to shake violently, and then we’re swung up looking at the ceiling.
Cloud: What are you doing bat-brain!?
Fehr: You said throw out your tech! Well this camera is tech, isn’t it?
Cloud: Stop being difficult and lets just get this video over with!
Jamie: Sorry guys, I’m here now. Did you get started already?
Fehr: No, we’re starting now.
~ ~ ~
“What?” said Renny. “What was the point of that video?”
“It said it illustrated how erroneous the doctors were. This was the video they uploaded to their website. It’s been a week and they still haven’t noticed it’s the wrong one. It said this is why they have to die and gave me a formal job offer while still insisting there were four doctors.”
“Well they were acting nuts.”
“But in a charming way, don’t you think?” Sobean said with a bright smile. “I’d binge a series of those three. Three crazy but loveable docs versus an inflexible AI made to help humanity. You could call it the Hypocrite oath. Like the Hippocratic oath but like… clever?”
Renny gave a long, unimpressed stare, and then leaned back in his seat.
“Well did you end up killing them?”
“Oh no. I didn’t accept the job.”
“What!?”
“I passed it to some doctor-adventurers. It’s such a niche field and they hardly get any work so I give them anything that’s medicinally inclined. What’s that weird look for Renny? It’s common courtesy. A hero-adventurer can do anything, but they can’t.”
“This is such a lame story! Why’d you even tell me this?”
Sobean looked confused. “You asked what I did over the weekend.”
“I meant like, did you go to any parties or something. You’re such a freak.”
.
Author Bio:
Kara has had a lifelong love of the written word and is in the twilight years of her time in the Creative Writing & Publishing program at Sheridan College. She hopes to one day become a professional daydreamer, but it that falls through, will consider being an author.
